My career, while I'm grateful for it, gives me very little joy day-to-day, as I often feel that my true talents are wasted and going unnoticed. But at the same time, I tend to shy away from the limelight (part of the reason I was drawn to librarianship in the first place), and how can I expect to be noticed if I don't step into it?
I've felt burnt out at my job for nearly a decade now. I think it started around the time my mom was diagnosed with cancer, and I wanted to (but couldn't) move closer to home in order to spend more time with her. That would have meant giving up a career that was just starting to finally take off. I was paying off my student loans, and finally had enough to start building a savings. I'm not sure what I could have done professionally if I had moved closer to home. I'm sure I would be facing the same feelings of not living up to my potential, due to lack of opportunity or interest in the local music scene. Where would my talents actually be appreciated and compensated accordingly? Probably Europe, not that I have any plans to move there.
The one constant in my life that brings me joy, and that I'm very good at, is singing. It's the one thing I keep coming back to - that I HAVE to come back to, like breathing. For me, not being able to sing would feel like losing an arm or a leg. I'm grateful that I have found new opportunities to sing more in the SD area, though not as much as I would like to, due to my work schedule. If I could sing full-time, that would be ideal, but I wouldn't be making nearly as much money, so I wouldn't be able to stay here without some kind of supplemental income. So I remain at my current job, and enjoy singing whenever I get the chance.
The trouble is, I'm singing at work too (I have an office that's tucked away from everyone), and it gets to be distracting - but sitting in silence or listening to a podcast doesn't help either, because I'm still distracting myself with music in my head. I remember when I was a student at NEC, studying trumpet performance, and my trumpet practice sessions would quickly turn into vocal practice sessions...I should've known then that I needed to switch majors...I tried to switch about 3 years in, but it was too expensive. I would've lost my scholarship, and it would have meant an extra year of tuition.
Money has always dictated my decisions, because I've never had any. Nothing has been given to me - I've always had to work for it, like that scholarship. And money has kept me from the things I REALLY want to do, like singing, because let's face it - very few people make a ton of money from singing, especially classical singers. I'd venture to guess it's something like less than 1% of singers make a comfortable living from exclusively singing.
*SIGH*
I'm staring at a very messy apartment. Unfinished sewing projects, unfinished scanning projects, emergency gear that needs to be packed away, music that needs to be donated or put away, clothes that need to be put away, dirty laundry, a piano that needs to be tuned...I'm exhausted just sitting here looking at it all.
And I'd rather just...sing.
😇
