Thoughts today

Be wary of where you place your trust. The powers that be have always been in the background pulling the strings, but the only difference between then and now is that it was hidden from us in the past, but now we can see it plain as day. It's as if the darkness is making its last stand, and better days are just around the corner.

Maybe it's time we collectively recognize that we've painted ourselves into a corner with our reliance on oil. Isn't it about time we reject the notion that we NEED oil, and put some investment into real sustainable, renewable energy solutions? Say, where's this "zero-point" energy people have been talking about for decades? I guess wiping out an entire sector of the economy is just too big of a price to pay for unlimited free energy, even if it would bring about massive innovation, and end wars and poverty. No, what really matters is power and money...controlling everything and squeezing everyone dry. 

We can change things if we reject the notion that we NEED any of the stuff the billionaires are peddling. Of course we need food, shelter, clothing, and community...that requires working TOGETHER though. 

Well, back to the grind...

I'll sing this gloominess away.

Obedient by nature, or by conditioning?

When I was about 5 or 6 years old, I had a friend in school named Kaylee. She used to say "Oh my God" in response to anything surprising, and I remember being shocked when I learned at some point that she didn't actually believe in God.

Well one day, my sister and I were playing in the living room, acting out some storyline I can't remember, when I exclaimed "Oh my God" and then pretended to faint. My mom happened to walk by at that moment, and was horrified by what had just passed my lips, and I received the only spanking I can truly remember (I know there were more, but I don't remember the reasons). 

Around that same age, one Sunday at church, my brother, sister and I were showing off to each other how we could bend our fingers, and hold them in certain positions. It's interesting because some people can't bend one joint while straightening another, or they can hold some fingers fully upright from the rest, while others can't. Well, I was showing off how upright I could hold my middle finger, and my mom saw me, and immediately whisked me away down to the women's bathroom, took out a bar of soap, and told me to take a bite. I had to hold it in my mouth while she told me never to do that again, and then I don't remember if I cried through the rest of the service (I probably couldn't help myself), but I remember being so confused because I had no idea that what I had done was "bad", and furthermore, I'm pretty sure my siblings had tried the same thing, but Mom didn't see them.

Much later, when I was 17, I had just received my driver's license, and I mean JUST. It was my very first time driving by myself, and I was on my way home. I came to a part of the road where many people would stop to wait for oncoming traffic before turning left. The common practice was to go around these cars on the right - something literally everyone did, including my parents and siblings (incidentally, the road is now marked for this purpose). A cop saw me do it, and immediately pulled me over. When he asked me if I knew what I did wrong, I said "I forgot to signal when I went around the car back there?" Not realizing that "passing on the right" was against the law...although I probably should have known that, just as speeding is against the law, yet everyone does it.

I got off with a warning, because he was nice and he knew my brothers. Yay for small towns. Haven't been pulled over since...(knock on wood)

Just a few personal stories I always think about when I find myself wondering why I'm not more rebellious. None of these things were me intentionally doing wrong, but I was still punished for them, and they had a profound effect on me, as someone who is terrified of breaking rules and disappointing people. These are the stories that popped in my head when I was reflecting on the fact that I'm a rule follower, and I try not to make waves. 

What would happen if I intentionally tried to make trouble?

Good trouble?

2026

I'm really struggling to keep my head above the quagmire of fear and anger that this current administration clearly wants to keep us in. I'm vacillating between anger, confusion (how can we all see the same thing and come to such different conclusions?), disgust, sadness, and attempting to zoom out and look at things through the lens of compassion, which is increasingly hard to do.
I'm not one to believe in conspiracy theories, but it doesn't sound very far-fetched that the president is looking for any excuse to exert excessive force on those who don't agree, those who criticize what is happening in this country, and those who are actively trying to hold him and his administration accountable when they break the law and violate our constitutional rights, all in the name of national security. And if they have to blatantly lie about things we can clearly see with our own eyes, so be it. Those who take them at their word and don't bother looking for the facts staring them in the face will believe what they believe, and there's nothing we can do about it.
I've never felt so compelled to go out and protest before, and while I know I'm not alone, I feel incredibly alone. Nobody in my sphere is actually talking about this in person. I want to ask my conservative friends and family if THIS is what they voted for, and if it is, I want to ask them what they think Jesus would say and do if he were here among us. A certain conservative commentator mocked Renee Good, saying she gave her life for people - I can't find the exact quote, but basically - who were not worth giving ones life for. I think Jesus would disagree.
To those people who think protestors should just comply with anything ICE commands, even when they haven't broken any laws...is that what the people who hid Jewish families during the holocaust should have done, to save themselves? I genuinely want to know: in what situation do you think it's justified for the state to execute citizens? In case you've forgotten - this is precisely why we have a 2nd amendment. But apparently for some people, having to wear a mask to the grocery store during a pandemic is far more threatening to their sense of liberty than "law enforcement" goons killing U.S. citizens on the streets.
This is exhausting.

W.W.J.D.?

RADICAL LOVE.
RADICAL EMPATHY.
LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.

Coherence

Maybe we should stop battling over resources, and start cooperating as if we are all equal parts of the same whole. The world is currently operating like a dysfunctional family. What if we take what we know works at the most basic levels of human relationships and scale them out globally? Why don't leaders try to model systems after things that create harmony rather than dissonance?

What makes someone a good partner / mother / father / child?

What makes a neighbor a good neighbor across the hall / fence / road / city / state / country / world?

What makes a leader a good leader?

Which kinds of interactions make you feel safe, and which ones get your hackles up? 

In your self-reflection, are you treating others the way you want to be treated, or are you causing them to bristle and stop listening before you ever actually say anything? 

What are our world leaders doing? Are they fostering an environment of cooperation and mutual respect, or are they causing shields to be raised? And if you're able to vote - are you making it count towards a world you want to live in?

Burnout, Avoidance, Restlessness

I think I'm at a stage in my life where I need to make some big decisions. It seems pretty clear that having children is just not in the cards for me in this lifetime, and I've been coming to terms with that for about 9 years now. What will I leave as a legacy, if not children? I'll have to think on that. I'll end up as one of those dried up, dead-end branches on the family tree.

My career, while I'm grateful for it, gives me very little joy day-to-day, as I often feel that my true talents are wasted and going unnoticed. But at the same time, I tend to shy away from the limelight (part of the reason I was drawn to librarianship in the first place), and how can I expect to be noticed if I don't step into it?

I've felt burnt out at my job for nearly a decade now. I think it started around the time my mom was diagnosed with cancer, and I wanted to (but couldn't) move closer to home in order to spend more time with her. That would have meant giving up a career that was just starting to finally take off. I was paying off my student loans, and finally had enough to start building a savings. I'm not sure what I could have done professionally if I had moved closer to home. I'm sure I would be facing the same feelings of not living up to my potential, due to lack of opportunity or interest in the local music scene. Where would my talents actually be appreciated and compensated accordingly? Probably Europe, not that I have any plans to move there.

The one constant in my life that brings me joy, and that I'm very good at, is singing. It's the one thing I keep coming back to - that I HAVE to come back to, like breathing. For me, not being able to sing would feel like losing an arm or a leg. I'm grateful that I have found new opportunities to sing more in the SD area, though not as much as I would like to, due to my work schedule. If I could sing full-time, that would be ideal, but I wouldn't be making nearly as much money, so I wouldn't be able to stay here without some kind of supplemental income. So I remain at my current job, and enjoy singing whenever I get the chance.

The trouble is, I'm singing at work too (I have an office that's tucked away from everyone), and it gets to be distracting - but sitting in silence or listening to a podcast doesn't help either, because I'm still distracting myself with music in my head. I remember when I was a student at NEC, studying trumpet performance, and my trumpet practice sessions would quickly turn into vocal practice sessions...I should've known then that I needed to switch majors...I tried to switch about 3 years in, but it was too expensive. I would've lost my scholarship, and it would have meant an extra year of tuition. 

Money has always dictated my decisions, because I've never had any. Nothing has been given to me - I've always had to work for it, like that scholarship. And money has kept me from the things I REALLY want to do, like singing, because let's face it - very few people make a ton of money from singing, especially classical singers. I'd venture to guess it's something like less than 1% of singers make a comfortable living from exclusively singing.

*SIGH*

I'm staring at a very messy apartment. Unfinished sewing projects, unfinished scanning projects, emergency gear that needs to be packed away, music that needs to be donated or put away, clothes that need to be put away, dirty laundry, a piano that needs to be tuned...I'm exhausted just sitting here looking at it all. 

And I'd rather just...sing.

😇

A few thoughts after the sermon at church today

If you haven't talked to me in a while, you may be really surprised by my recent posts this year. Yes, my faith came back, although my beliefs aren't quite what they were when I was a Christian before. I'm not sure I'd say I'm strictly Christian either, because I now believe that all religions at their core are basically saying the same things. Anyway, I still go to a Methodist church, because I like the music, the people are great, and it's part of my heritage. 

The message today was about freedom, based on Galatians 5 (The Fruits of the Spirit). 

13 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh[a]; rather, serve one another humbly in love. 14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”[b] 15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.
16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever[c] you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

The question posed was:

"Is freedom a gift that we cherish, or an entitlement we exploit?"

Oof, think on that for a minute. 

Jesus showed us a better way to live, but it's not a requirement. He didn't take away our freedom to choose how we want to live our lives individually, as governments and dictators have done throughout history, but he did show us what's possible when you choose to follow in his footsteps. Think of all those miracles - and he says in John 14:12:

12 Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.

Whether or not we want to experience the transformative power of God's unconditional love is entirely up to us. As the spiritually-minded people might say - we can choose to stay at a low vibration (trapping ourselves in the vicious cycle of hatred, jealousy, fear, etc.), or we can strive to be at a high vibration (love, forgiveness, generosity, etc.). 

Speaking more on what spiritual, new-agey people have been saying recently...Earth is ascending into a new phase, and there's a split in humanity happening over the course of several decades, starting around now. As I understand it, those souls who are awakened and attuned to the higher vibrations will move along with Earth into the higher dimension/vibration?, and those who are determined to remain at a low vibration will split off and eventually end up somewhere else after they live out their lives here, because Earth won't be habitable for souls at that level. Wow, I did a horrible job describing that. Oh well, listen to enough of these people who do channeling, and you'll understand what I'm talking about.

If you think of it in terms of the many worlds theory, every thought creates more possibilities, and every action creates alternate realities. It's up to us to decide which reality to make our own, so if we spend all our time in those low vibrational worlds, guess where we'll end up? Isn't that pretty much what manifestation is?

Is anybody interested in talking about this stuff? Nick tolerates me talking about these things with him, but I don't think he's that into it, and I'd love to be able to talk in depth with someone about this stuff. I have trouble articulating certain ideas (as this post clearly shows), and it would just be nice to have someone to talk to who understands a little about what I'm trying to say.

Also...should we be worried about the tsunami that's been predicted to happen near Japan on July 5th (our July 4th)? I'm gonna live my life and go to work as normal, but as multiple people have said stuff about it, alluding to things happening along the western coasts of the Americas as well, I'm giving it a side-eye. Hope the coasts will be OK (because I'll be on one of them). 😬

Most likely it will be like Y2K and the Mayan calendar...much ado about nothing. 

Imagine...create

Imagine the world you want to live in - what does it look like?

I want to live closer to nature, but without having to go live in a cabin in the woods (although that does sound fun, temporarily). 

I want to be able to walk or bike to my nearest grocery store in less than 10 minutes by myself, without worrying about getting run over by a truck, or harassed by a stranger.

I want everyone to have the means or resources to get the medical/mental help they need to participate in society, hold a job, and afford a place to live, and form relationships and communities where people support each other. Nobody can do it all on their own - we need each other.

I want small farms to exist in every community. Wouldn't it be great to have a neighborhood chicken coop? Fresh eggs just a walk away. Cities used to have large "commons" (I'm thinking specifically of Boston) where livestock could graze. I miss animals - I should find out where the nearest farm is that allows visitors. Can nature be allowed to weave itself into city life? I just don't see developed land ever going back to nature in a city environment, as the land is worth too much, which is unfortunate. Maybe vertical gardening is the way to go.

Can we solve the rapid commuting/transportation issue in a clean way, working with the earth instead of against it? I think about transportation a lot. I love having a car, as it allows me to go just about anywhere at any time, but I hate driving through congested areas, and then trying to find parking in a packed lot with 20 other cars circling. Cities used to have robust streetcar systems, which were largely replaced by ever-expanding freeways, and lots of cars. Sucks to be a person without a car on the west coast! Yeah, public transit exists in the city, but it's so slow, I wouldn't use it unless I had no other choice. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to hop on a train that runs along the same freeway you drive to work? If the commute time was comparable, I'd do it to avoid the risk of getting in a car accident (haven't had one yet...knock on wood). There are some days when it seems like there's something in the air with the number of crazy drivers I encounter.

I want to live in a world that runs on renewable, abundant clean energy. There has to be a way, right? A way that doesn't also have the potential to completely destroy the planet?

So yeah, that's the beginning of my list. There's a lot more to add later. What are some little steps that we could take to make our ideas a reality? I suppose for the first thing on my list - the very least I could do is make a point to go on more nature hikes, and maybe buy a plant for our balcony (and learn how to not kill it). And visit a local farm with cute animals!